David's Diary
by Tango Mike Charlie
Summary: An entry from Dr. Ratcliffe's personal diary has found its way to the paper after a big fundraising.


(Report from David R. as 'found' by our local reporter, S. Tealing)

Dear diary,

As the other contestants and I arrived at the pub, we looked in horror at the catwalk. It was at least ten meters long, and the stage that was behind it couldn't have been bigger. Around the catwalk were many chairs. They were starting to fill up already and it was still at least two hours until the contest. None of us really wanted to go out there. No one, except for Guy, of course. Nancy hurried towards us and shooed us upstairs. The guests weren't supposed to see us yet. So we went upstairs and we all started dressing for the first round, which was the "casual attire" round. None of us had been allowed to ask for help choosing our clothes. So I had decided on a nice pair of khaki trousers and a light blue shirt. I knew the effect it had on women and hoped it would help me tonight. I didn't want to play, but since we were doing it anyway, I figured I might as well try my very best. I left the last two buttons open and then smacked myself. I had forgotten to shave. So I undressed again, because I didn't want to get all the hairs on my clothes. I know I don't have much to shave, but still, it made me feel better. I figured I'd better shower again as well, since I was undressed anyway. I walked towards the shower in my towel and luckily found it empty. I took a quick shower and washed my hair for the second time that day. Then I brushed my teeth, picked out a nose hair or two and shaved till I was content. I then combed my hair until it was exactly the way I liked it. I went back to my room and put on my trousers and shirt again. Of course this messed up my hair again, so I had to comb it again. I was getting pretty nervous at this stage.

I put on my socks and my shoes, which I had brushed and polished the night before. I noticed a stain on one of the shoes and tried to get it off. I had no such luck. When I tried to put on some kind of stain remover, which I was glad to have taken with me, I accidentally spilled a splash of it on my shirt. It turns out, stain removers remove stains... but color as well... at least this one did. So now I not only had a stain on my shoe, but a white spot on my perfectly blue shirt as well. There was no way I could wear that tonight. So I took it off, glad I remembered to bring a spare shirt. Only to discover it was so wrinkled, it looked like a cow had sat on it. When I tried to iron it, I got distracted by the noise coming from downstairs, where every woman in town, and probably some from out of town as well, had gathered. I started panicking. I looked around at the mess in the room and decided I needed to handle this like I would my job. Very careful and conscious of everything I do. So I made a list in my head of the things that needed to be done and in which order. Shower. Check. Shave. Check. Pick nose hairs. Check. Brush teeth. Check. Put on clothes. Check. Wait... no, uncheck. And then I smelled it. Something was burning. I looked down at the shirt on the iron board and to my great horror it was smoking and part of it was gone. Completely gone. Quickly I turned off the iron and put it away. Thankfully, Vic and Nance don't have a fire alarm system. It would have gone off for sure. Anyway, back to my story. I now had two shirts I couldn't wear. I started thinking. Casual... Hmm... Would shorts be too casual? I decided to give it a go. I didn't have much choice in the matter anyway. So I took off my trousers again and put on my shorts (I blessed my impulse to practically throw my whole wardrobe in my suitcase). I had some slippers to go with it. This was much easier than the trouser thing. Just shorts, some slippers and maybe a pair of sunglasses. I could even wear the blue shirt if I let it hang open. The white spot was on the side, but if I kept my hand in my pocket I could cover it up. So I put on the shirt again. Just in time, I might add, for just as I took a last look in the mirror, Paula called from downstairs to tell us it was time to start. I looked in the mirror again and feeling slightly dumb, yet confident enough to go, I left the room. In the hallway, I looked at the other contestants. They were all wearing trousers and a shirt and they all looked at me. I just shrugged and said: "Casual is casual." Guy then shot me a dirty look. I decided to ignore it. We all walked through the kitchen and waited our turn. Geoff was the unlucky one who got to go first. I must admit: he looked great in the clothes he had chosen. The minute he walked out we all wished we had brought earplugs. The noise was overwhelming. All the women in the pub were cheering loudly. Sam, who was next, looked like he would rather die right then and there than go in. But Geoff walked back in and Sam had to go. The cheering was a little bit less, but deafening nonetheless. Geoff looked like he had seen a ghost. He was looking ahead, but seemingly not seeing anything at all. Suddenly I got a nudge from Emma. It was my turn. I closed my eyes for a second, but after another nudge from Emma I walked towards the end of my career as a serious doctor. Or so I thought. The minute I walked into the pub, the cheering stopped dead. I glanced up towards the crowds and each and every woman there sat speechless, with their jaws dropped. After a few seconds, Kate got her wits back and simply said: "Wow." She started cheering like she hadn't even done for Geoff. Soon the whole pub was cheering again and to me it sounded like they were trying to blow off the roof. I quickly walked around the catwalk and dove back into the safety of the kitchen. I didn't really register anything after that until Emma told us to get ready for round 2: the IQ-test.

I went up to my room and put on the set of clothes I had brought for this round: a nice pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Before I could do any more harm to myself, I combed my hair and left the room. I waited in the hallway until Paula called for us again. Jack had to go first this time. His first question was easy: How many states did the United Stated of America have when they first joined to become one country? Thirteen of course. Everyone knows that. Well, apparently Jack didn't. His second question was even simpler. What do the original inhabitants of New Zealand call themselves? Maoris. Easy. The third question was okay. Which actor played Mad Max in the trilogy? Mel Gibson. If my questions were as easy I should have no trouble getting through this round. Tom was up next. He got three out of three. So did Geoff and somewhat surprisingly, Marty. Vic got two out of three and then it was my turn. My first question was: How many months have 28 days? All, of course. Second question: What is the capital of The Netherlands? I had to think a little bit about that, true, but I knew it was Amsterdam, just in time. Magda told me once she had been there on a visit. My third question was: What is the Aboriginal name for Ayers Rock? Very easy. Uluru. Three out of three. I still had a chance.

Round three was coming up. It was the round we all feared the most. The bathing suit round. I had bought one of those tight Speedos. Suddenly I didn't feel too comfortable wearing them anymore, though. I had no choice however, since it was the only one I had. I figured, since they had all seen my chest already, I might as well show them the rest. Not my style, but it was for a good cause.

So I put them on and took a look in the mirror. I looked okay, if I may say so myself. Paula called again and this time I was up first. Not my idea of fun, but that way it would be over very quickly, I told myself. I changed my mind the minute I stepped through the door into the pub. If I thought the cheering had been loud before, this was breaking all records. I turned red in the face and tried to maintain my pose as dignified as possible until my time on stage was up. As soon as Emma gave me the sign I ran back to the kitchen. The others looked frightened. One by one they went out and the cheering never seemed to stop. It got even louder when Guy went out (as he had expected of course). To their surprise it went up with Geoff and Tom as well. I could hear Kate whistling when Geoff was out. And Chris seemed to yell louder than the rest when Tom was on stage. Even Sam got a few whistles, which made Emma growl into the microphone. The whistling stopped and some people laughed.

The fourth round was the evening gown- or in our case: tuxedo-round. We ran upstairs to change into our tuxedos, which we had rented from all over the place. Some went so far as to go all the way to Broken Hill to rent one. I decided to splash some water in my face and on my hair, so as to create a sort of a wet-look. I thought it looked really nice. My tuxedo was plain black, with a perfectly white shirt. The matching bowstring looked great with it as well. Good thing my dad had once taught me how to tie the knot of a bowstring. I finished getting ready quickly and waited for Paula to call us down again. After a few minutes I heard her calling and I went downstairs. It finally looked like a fundraiser… everybody in tuxedo, all dressed up. This was a difficult round for my nerves, because I was up last and had to wait until all the others had gone on stage. When it was finally my turn I walked on stage and got a nice round of applause. I took a bow and smiled at the crowd. Then I walked back out. After that we had to get onstage together, so that everybody got a good last chance of looking at us and see whom they wanted to vote for. When everyone had voted, Paula got the hat with all the ballots. She took them out one by one and read them out loud. Emma kept score on the board.

The first vote was for me. That surprised me. But it could be the only vote, so I didn't cheer just yet. The next vote was for Tom. Then Geoff got a vote, then DJ, then Tom again, then me, then Guy, who was starting to get upset that he missed the first six votes. In the end there were only two more votes left and Geoff, Tom and I were leading together. I wondered how I had made it this far. Guy was seriously upset by now. He had gotten only two votes. Paula pulled out another vote. It was for Tom. So now there were only three possibilities: Tom won and Geoff and I were shared second. Or Tom and either Geoff or I were shared winner and the other one would be runner-up. Paula pulled out the last vote and waited to raise the tension. It was already really high. The vote went to Tom. The new Mr. Coopers Crossing. Both Geoff and I are runner-up. If Tom gets sick or is somehow unable to do his duties as Mr. Coopers Crossing, Geoff and I will have to toss to see who has to take his place.

I was really amazed to have made it so far. I thought people didn't like me that much. I am kind of flattered by it as well. Of course I am. Who wouldn't be? I could tell Guy didn't like it one bit, though. Ever since the voting ended he has walked around with this big mad frown on his face. Let's hope he doesn't hold a grudge.

Ok Diary, now you are completely up to date again. See you next time!

Bye! David


End file.
